“No” is a complete sentence.” ~ Annie Lamott
“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where i end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. ~ Henry Cloud
Do you feel the need to over-explain, justify, and apologize when you set a boundary?
Whether it’s a boundary that is necessary at work or in our personal lives, for some, it doesn’t seem that ‘no can be a complete sentence’. We may begin with an explanation or an immediate ‘I am sorry.’ Perhaps we experience feelings of guilt, followed by anger and resentment if we don’t set the boundary we intended to. Shame can also sneak in as we put ourselves down for not being ‘strong enough’ to express how we feel or what we need.
These are tender moments.
The first gentle wisdom I offer are a couple questions for reflection:
When did you learn that it wasn’t okay to express how you feel or ask for what you need?
Was it unsafe to express how you felt growing up?
Was people-pleasing and keeping the peace necessary to minimize chaos and crisis when you were younger?
When there is a behavior, pattern, or emotional response we want to change, I think first and foremost, we need to understand how we developed such a response in the first place. Rather than responding to ourselves with shame and disdain, we would do better to get curious and gently question the behavior or pattern. Other questions around boundary-setting to consider may include:
Is it difficult to set boundaries in all your relationships or only with certain people?
Did someone tell you setting boundaries was wrong or selfish?
Is self-sacrifice a significant aspect of your culture or upbringing?
After exploring these questions, you may experience some ah-ha moments in respect to the challenges you experience when it comes to setting boundaries. Self-awareness alone is often not enough to create change, but it does open space for self-compassion, a far better place to heal and make changes than a space of shame.
After exploring the roots of your challenges in this area, you may wish to read more about how to set boundaries. Saying no may feel like a foreign concept to you, perhaps you don’t know where to start. There are many fantastic books, resources, and articles out there.
Julia Kristina offers wonderful short talks on how to set boundaries that I’ll offer here as a starting point:
Begin with some gentle questions, get to know and understand your history with boundaries and the part of you that struggles with them. Do research on your own and perhaps start small with setting a boundary where it feels easiest first. It will be a muscle you will need to build and there will be more tender moments as you experience the inevitable push-back when you begin to say no, but it will be worth it, you are worth it.